Sometimes I think this is all worthless. Nothing matters if the world I am living in is like this.
I want this, I want that and I want much more than what I have right now and I am working hard for it. I am determined to get it for sure. But why am I not feeling fed up at all at any point in this journey. When shall I get to that point when I would feel no more requirements?
When I was in the school I wanted a college, when I am in the college then I am trying for a better college after this and then I want a job. And to me even job is not the end I want something of my own providing jobs to others. When I felt alone I made friends, when I got a little older I wanted a girlfriend, when I shall get it, definitely I shall start looking forward to marriage, then settlement , then a large accumulation of money, then may be kids. What else? I am adding day by day something new to my plan for a better life. But the question that has shaken me today is that “is this all going to provide me a happy and peaceful life?”
From past few weeks I was busy making my palace of desires, aligning all that I need to do for assuring the kind of future that I want. But today a storm came inside my brain and it took away that palace completely as it was made without any base.
I reached at a construction site nearby, in the evening while I was walking, thinking and listening to music. I don’t know what came into my mind, I just wanted to have a closer look and I approached a little bit and I saw that a young lady coming out of a temporary room built for labourers. She was accompanied with her little kid (two or three year old maximum) and was making food by burning pieces of woods and scraps. Suddenly I got picture of that lady in my mind working all day at such a temperature when I don’t even want to come out of my room. I don’t step out of my hostel at 4:30 pm because the temperature is quite high even up to this time in the evening. I think she was a young lady as tender as anyone’s young sister, lover or wife. No one can imagine their loved ones in such situation. Not only her then my brain was filled with such pictures of a lot number of young and old men and women working at more than 49 degree temperature to build a new floor of my own hostel. I see them working while I am sitting in a room. I don’t feel good because my cooler is malfunctioning but where is my ability of feeling gone when I see them right below the sun in the noon. Yes I think I feel sorrow but when I feel that I turn my mind to something else as if this deviation of concern solves the problem.
Why is it that I am ready to work to get my cooler fixed up but I am not even ready to give a single thought to these people’s condition? I think this all luxury that I have got in my life is just waste if someone is living a life like that. Do I deserve to get those things while someone else just like me can’t even think of them?
I think my planning for my life being on track is just an illusion. We all are living in illusion of happiness and peace. I want to make my own house but am I sure that when I am in the house there will not be any storms and winds outside so that all those who do not have a shade on their heads could be safe? And if that house is not big enough to let these people into it then what is the reason behind making a house? Is it not like an escape from the real misery of the world? We worked for our safety, but what about those who are forced to do something which we cannot imagine for our loved ones. I cannot even imagine the situation when a girl of that young age belonging to my family, friends and relatives works for a whole day in breathtaking sunny day because it scares me. Does her tenderness not matters because she not from the family of mine or yours?
Daily I see a boy of my own age working continuously near fire in a room where the temperature for a normal person is unbearable just for making breads for us. He feeds us and he never complains about his situation because he knows that there are several others in line to take that position. He seems happy even in those situations. And now seeing him in the pursuit of happiness I think of myself as a crazy man. He is happy there and I am not that much satisfied even here where I think everything is much better.
I am not satisfied because I am not performing up to my expectations from myself. I even want lots of more things around me which I thing now are worthless. I want to be a success in my life. But I am now confused about how to define this word “success” because its meaning for me now seems to be shifting.
I was dismayed when I read the statement of Fourier which he wrote in one of his letter in 1789 at his 21st birthday which says “Yesterday was my 21st birthday, at this age Newton and Pascal had already acquired many claims to immortality.” Fourier then gave his famous theory of Fourier series in 1807 which initially faced opposition but eventually made Fourier’s identity immortal. I was dismayed because I am also about the same age and I am not seeing any such things happening with me at least in near future. But I find all these things just illusions to make you feel better when I see the people in pain around me.
When I was returning from my evening walk I was just shocked to think that people cry when they see sorrow in TV or in movie but they close their eyes when they see it for real. I sensed grief on the way of my return and I also felt my eyes wet but these were not wet enough to make even a single drop of tear to come out. It was not unusual. It was just because I was feeling twisted between my concern towards one thing and my ignorance towards the same.
My concern was creating a pain in my chest but my ignorance was speeding my legs to get away from that site and feel better as this was not a problem. I am still thinking to do something about it but from the position where I stand I think it would take me a little longer to convert my thoughts into actions.